Tiamo

Tiamo is a Melbourne institution on Lygon Street in Carlton. Serving up Italian cuisine, you can expect big hearty servings of pasta, inexpensive wine and self serve bowls of dried Parmesan.

Unfortunately, on this occasion our experience didn't live up to the hype. The penne ragu for $19.90 came out lukewarm - which was a shame, as the pasta itself was cooked al dente and the sauce was rich with flavour. There was also a piece of hair in my pasta which you can see at the bottom of the bowl in the picture below - not ideal, especially seeing as it was clearly visible and could have easily been caught by the waitstaff.

The service was also on the disappointing side - whilst friendly, our waiter spent most of the time fooling around with another waiter rather than taking our order, remembering our requests for chili flakes and Parmesan, and offering us desert.

With so many other amazing Italian venues in Melbourne - especially in Carlton - I will not be rushing back to Tiamo.

Food: 2.5/5
Service: 2.5/5
Venue: 3/5
Value for money: 3/5
Total: 11/20
Verdict: Don't bother - there are so many other better Italian joints in Melbourne.

 

Clarendon Melbourne

Located in South Melbourne in a heritage building that could be described as nothing less than magnificent, it would be easy to assume from the look of Clarendon Melbourne that it would specialise in pub meals, red wine, and comfortable seating in front of an open fire - and that's kind of place it was for the last 150 years - well up until recently that is. Clarendon Melbourne has recently been bought by the current owners who have given the main restaurant a Malaysian inspired menu.

Offering a variety of your usual Malaysian suspects (think Laksa and Malaysian Chicken Curry), as well less traditional options (think fries), the menu is varied and extensive.  The fried kuay teow, however, was the star of our dishes - not too oily and full of flavour.

Unfortunately our gyozas came out raw - a fact my fellow diner only noticed after I had swallowed a full mouthful (thank goodness it wasn't chicken - but still, it's enough to make you feel ill!). And even though the sauce of the beef rendang was rich and delicious, the meat was about 70% fat and we couldn't cut through it with our forks and spoons.

Whilst the staff were friendly, raw food and fatty meat is never great - we will not be back.

Food: 2/5
Venue: 3/5
Service: 3/5
Total: 8/15
Verdict: Don't bother

Radio Mexico

After eating at Radio Mexico, I was rather shocked by its high Zomato rating. Whilst Radio Mexico wasn't terrible, it was below average and just did not hit the mark. 

To start off, the service whilst friendly was slow - it took approximately 15 minutes of me trying to catch the waiter's eye (who was happily chatting away to various individuals) to get our bill to leave. 

And the food? Disappointing. The flavour in the Picoso Chilaquiles (spicy red chilli based red sauce with guacamole and crema on corn chips) was completely one dimensional (with the guac running out too soon), and got boring after about the second bite.  And whilst I personally love my spice (being known to eat jalapenos out of the jar like candy) this dish should have come with a warning for people with normal tastebuds, with my fellow diner struggling to handle the spice (which was extremely spicy).

The baja tacos (with pico de gallo and slaw) were just as disappointing - whilst the fish was cooked well, it was overall incredibly dry. 

Despite serving up top notch margaritas, I will not be back. 

Food: 2.5/5

Venue: 3/5

Service: 3/5

Verdict: Don't bother - there are better Mexican restaurants in town.

 

Bistro Guillaume

Bistro Guillaume in a word? Dissapointing.  For the exxy pricetag, you would expect this French inspired restaurant to serve up delicious food, and offer friendly and attentive service.  Unfortunately, what you actually get is service that is not only slow, but is rude (taking them half an hour to even offer us the drinks list) and food that is mediocre at best.

$25 will get you the "In-House Smoked Salmon, Dill Cream and Brioche", which is actually just a small slither of salmon with a burnt piece of dry homebrand white toast.

$39 will get you a piece of duck that is so overcooked and dry, it will be a challenge to chew, let along try to cut it with your knife and fork.

However, if you find yourself dragged to Bistro Guillaume on some sort of work event or the like, both the oysters and the steak tartar are excellent choices (might have something to do with the fact that they aren't actually cooked - removing the risk of overcooking).

It is fair to say that this place is not on my recommendation list.

Food: 2/5
Service: 1.5/5
Venue: 3/5
Total: 6.5/515
Verdict: Don't bother - it's not worth the calories

Bangpop

What would you do if you were a waiter at a restaurant, and when two diners were paying for their bill near the bar, you threw your waiter tray at the bar, smashing a full glass of red wine which goes everywhere. Say sorry? Ask if the diners got any red wine on them? Not if you’re at Bangpop - the waiter will make a scene and rudely blame you.

Indeed, the high ratings on Zomato are an absolute surprise when the service is ridiculously slow (although, most reviews say this), we were ignored for 10 minutes on arrival (just say ‘I’ll be with you in a minute as you’re walking past), you are served your food before your wine, and cramped anxiously in. 

It's actually a shame, because some of the food was pretty tasty.  To eat we ordered the green chicken curry, the pad Thai and the papaya salad.  The Pad Thai was pretty flavourless and cluggy, however the papaya salad was actually one of the best papaya salads I’ve ever had - fresh, fragrant and brimming with the right amount of spice. 

 Bad service is never great, but rude service can ruin a night - Bangpop, we will not be back.

IFood: 3/5

Service: 1/5

Venue: 2/5

Total: 6/15

Verdict: don’t bother 

 

Tina's Noodle Kitchen

Offering the likes of Braised Pork Feet with Pickles and Bones, and Chilli Blood Curd Combination, Tina’s Noodle Kitchen could definitely be coined ‘authentic’. Part of the Dainty Sichuan Group, this Swanston Street establishment offers a no frills inexpensive experience, with a menu consisting solely of noodles.

Whilst I wasn't quite brave enough to opt for the Chilli Blood Curd Combination, the hot and spicy beef slices looked pretty tempting. However, what started off as a decent (but far from delicious) bowl of soup, was quickly destroyed by a shard of some obscure spice (perhaps the love product of a star anise, chilli pepper and green peppercorn gone terribly wrong) which overpowered my taste buds and tainted the rest of the dish

 

 My friend ordered the mixed vegetables - which she was tasty, even though she only recognised about 70% of the vegetables in it.



Was it terrible? No. But my soup lacked any depth of flavour, and with so many other amazing Noodle houses in Melbourne, it’s certainly not somewhere I’d be rushing back to.


Food: 2.5/5
Service: 2.5/5
Venue: 2.5/5
Total: 7.5/15
Verdict: don’t bother - there are too many other amazing Noodle houses in Melbourne

White Rabbit

Do you ever get the feeling that you're eating at an entirely different restaurant to the one that has received so many positive reviews? I mean, this place was in the green on Zomato if you know what I mean.  White Rabbit on Bay Street in Brighton scores a hefty 3.6 on Zomato - however my experience there was nothing more than underwhelming.

To eat I ordered the Spicy Chicken Wrap with spicy chicken balls, jalapenos, lettuce, bbq sauce and avocado. The chickenballs had the consistency of mush and tasted like cardboard (also, definitely not spicy) and the overall wrap was soggy and flavourless.

My friend had the chilli mussels in white wine, Napoli, chilli, garlic and lemon zest - they came out cold.

The chips were cooked well - but how hard is it to put some potato in the deep fryer, so you're not getting too many bonus brownie points for that.

All in all, other than the chips (oh and the Presecoo - that was good too), it was a very disappointing dining experience.

Food: 1.5/5
Venue: 3/5
Service: 2.5/5
Total: 7/15
Verdict: Don't bother - it's not worth the calories

Botherambo

 

 

 

Botherambo on Swan Street is as funky as its name. With one side serving up Thai cuisine and the other side consisting of a bar - this place definitely has the options covered.

On this occasion we were here for the food, ordering the Kingfish Island Ceviche, Papaya Salad and vegetarian Lemongrass Chili Carry accompanied with coconut rice. I'm not sure what went quite wrong on our night seeing as this place has so many good reviews on Zomato, but lets just say it's not a good sign when the coconut rice was the dish of the night.

Cerviche is one of my favourite dishes, however this one, whilst plated beautifully was tough and tasted incredibly fishy. The papaya salad was ok - but again, being one of my favourite dishes, with its one dimensional flavour, it certainly wasn't the best one I've ever had.





The sauce in the Lemongrass Chilli Curry tasted delicious, but there was no warning that the corn that was in it was corn on the cob - completely impractical if you're on a date. The amount of  potatoes in this dish also  un-inspiring - if I'm ordering a vegetable curry - I want me some vegetables, not more starch!

 

I also wasn't sure how to quite take the staff. We had a delicious bottle of red perched not more than 30 cm away from us - but on filling up our glasses after they had been empty for 10 minutes (which trust me seems forever after a long day at work) we got patronisingly told off like little school children.

In circumstances where we are spoilt for choice with incredible Thai restaurants in Melbourne - with its peculiar staff and misses on the food - I'm going to have to go with a don't bother.

Food: 2.5/5
Venue: 3/5
Service: 2.5/5
Total: 8/15
Verdict - don't bother - there are too many other good Thai places floating around

65 Swan Street, Richmond

Long Chim

Long Chim is the new kid on the block - surrounded by the type of hype and publicity that's expected when one starts paying the exuberant rent of waterfront Southbank, it is fair to say that there was a buzz of excitement on walking in.  Unfortunately, if I had to sum up Long Chim in a word it would be "disappointing". The venue itself is pretty incredible - offering upstairs, downstairs or patio seating - it's the perfect spot to watch Southbank wander by or the fire show Crown puts on every hour. But the up-sides pretty much end there.

 Firstly, the service isn't great. Being the first one to arrive for our booking, I was told to walk up the stairs to find our table - on there being no free tables (and no one to assist), I walked backed down the stairs to see what was going on. I was then told to walk back up the stairs as my table was supposably on the left - so I walked back up the stairs - no free table, so went back down the stairs. This time, I made someone walk up the stairs with me to show me where my table was and surprise, surprise, there wasn't a free table for me. 5 minutes later I was seated on the patio - at least I had worked up an appetite.

The next person of our booking arrives - but we are still waiting on one more. Nonetheless, a waitress comes over to start walking us through the menu and tells us what the specials are. On telling her that we were still waiting for one more (who was only 5 minutes late), that still didn't stop her - she was obviously expecting us to pass on this information to our third diner of that night.

Secondly, don't go to Long Chim if you're on a budget.  I'm talking $30 for stir fried Chinese broccoli.  And yes, whilst I don't usually shy away from spending my pay check on food, you at least want it to be delicious. Unfortunately that wasn't the case here.

The chive cakes ($18) were doughy and flavourless.  The only redeeming feature of the plate was the sauce - but there was definitely not enough of it to save these tasteless morsels.

The mashed prawns in the Mashed Prawn Curry ($38) was obviously just an excuse to get away with serving up just one prawn cut into tiny little pieces in a near $40 bowl of curry.

The prawns in the Pad Thai ($34) were overcooked - which was a shame as the noodles were otherwise delicious.

The flavours in the grilled lamb ribs ($38) were exceptional and paired beautifully with the pickles on the plate.  The meat, however, was tough and was definitely didn't want to come off the bone.

Long Chim - you better pick up your game because at this rate I will not be back.

Food: 2/5
Service: 1.5/5
Venue: 4/5
Total: 7.5/15
Verdict: Don't bother - it's not worth the price tag.

Koy

There are not many places out there where you can 7 courses for under $50, however Koy at South Melbourne Market takes this to a whole new level. On the first and last Wednesday of every month, Koy serves up 7 courses of its Turkish cuisine for a very meager $35.  However, even at such incredible value, after the night I had, I'll definitely not be rushing back again.

The menu for the night I went was:

Fava Dip
With sundried tomatoes and caper berries, served with Turkish bread

Potato Salatasi
Prawn and potato salad with biber and peppercorn aoili

Sucuk Croquettes
Cheese and turkish sausage with smoked paprika mayo

Erister Pasta
Turkish style pasta with fresh tomatoes, basil, mushroom and spinach

Chicken Borek

Oven baked chicken and pirasa filo pastry

Kuzu Sis

Turkish styled grilled lamb servied with Kisir

Classic Baclava

The Fava Dip was the least impressive dish of the night.  Offering absolutely no flavour whatsoever, the only redeeming quality was the warm Turkish Bread that was served with it.

Unfortunately, it all started going down hill from here.  We had to wait an hour and 10 minutes for the next dish, which was rather ridiculous when there were 6 dishes to go. Further, when the dish finally came out, the potato was very undercooked, and we had to de-shell our own prawns which, whilst I wouldn't mind doing such a task, it was awfully messy in this case as there was no where to put the shells and no water bowl to wipe the poo veins and bits of shell out of our fingernails - it was all rather gross.

 

Another two dishes came out shortly after - the croquettes and the home made pasta. The croquettes were probably the best dish of the night - deliciously crisp on the outside whilst offering a punch of flavours on the inside when cutting it open. The pasta, however, was another disappointment - it was stone cold and lacked any flavour.

The two mains, the chicken borek and the grilled lamb came out at the same time. Whilst they apologised for their mistake (saying that the lamb was meant for the table behind us), they didn't realise this when placing the 6 giant plates of mains on our table (which barely fit the table), and we had to awkwardly ask them to take one of the mains away. However, they clearly did not give it to the table behind us (guys, we can see the table behind us), they went and popped it in the oven and by the time it came out again the lamb had turned tough and the unpleasant.

The baklava, however, tasted as good as it looks - delightful.  Unfortunately it wasn't enough to safe the night.

My advice - stick to the Nonna's making Gozleme's on the weekends - these are superb!
 

Food: 2/5
Service: 2/5
Venue: 3/5
Total: 7/15
Verdict - Don't bother - even at such great value, there are so many other spots in Melbourne you can head to for a cheap eat.

The Winey Cow

Usually it's a good sign when a café is jam packed and you actually have to wait for a table. However, I quickly learnt that this is not always the case if you are heading somewhere down Mornington Main Street in the peak of summer.

Whilst filled to the brim, The Winey Cow was, in a word, "disappointing". I ordered the 'Brunch Stack', which consisted of two poached eggs, bacon, potato rosti, avocado and haloumi with rocket and lemon hollandaise. Unfortunately, the eggs were rock hard (not even a tiny bit runny), the rosti floury and the worst part, the avocado didn't even taste like real avocado - it tasted like the cheap avocado dip you can get from the supermarket.

The service was also incredibly slow - taking about 20 minutes for anyone to take our order, and then a further 30 minutes for our coffees to arrive. Being busy in a "busy period" is no excuse for poor service.  It should have been no surprise that they were going to be busy over the summer holidays and in response they should have put on more staff.

It surprised me when looking at The Winey Cow's other reviews that most people had come away speaking of quite a positive experience. So perhaps it was just a bad day for The Winey Cow team - but still, no excuse -  it was such a disappointing experience, I will not be back.

Food:2/5
Service: 2.5/5
Venue: 3/5
Total: 8/5
Verdict: Don't bother

Uncle

Uncle has all the makings of a great Summertime restaurant - an incredible outdoor courtyard (tick), a  menu filled with fresh Vietnamese cuisine (tick) and a drinks list worth not being the desi-driver for (tick).  However, unfortunately its food didn't manage to hit the mark.

To be fair, two out of the three dishes we had, whilst not spot on, were quite tasty.  The free range chicken slaw with fragrant herbs, bean sprouts and chili came out looking spectacular - but lacked a punch in any of its flavours.

The flavours, however, were spot on in the chicken tenderloin steamed bao with  Vietnamese mint and spicy pickles, but the fried chicken was a touch on the soggy side.

 

 Unfortunately, the lamb curry with okra would have be one of the worst dishes I have had in Melbourne.  Am I exaggerating? When you actually have to spit out your meal into your napkin I would say absolutely not.  The flavours were there (I'll give them that), however, there was barely any sauce and the lamb was so fatty and filled with cartilage/bones, I'd be surprised if there was actually any meat on it. Indeed, it was a mouth full of cartilage that made me spit out my food, which is never a nice look at any restaurant.

Whilst the venue was incredible, and the staff were amazing, the food alone is enough for me to not want to go back.

Food: 2/5
Service: 4/5
Venue: 5/5
Total: 11/15
Verdict: Don't bother - there are much better Vietnamese restaurant's out there

Supper Inn

It's 12am in the CBD and you decide that it's about time to have some dinner (or even a second dinner depending on how the night's gone) - so where can you go? Supper Inn in China Town of course.  Known as a bit of a Melbourne institution, Supper Inn is open until late - we're talking 2.30am late.

Serving up Chinese cuisine, the menu is extensive and the venue is licenced. The highlight of the night was hands down the salt and pepper fried chicken ribs.  The ribs were deliciously crunchy on the outside while still managing to keep  nice and juicy and the inside. The Singapore noodles were also a highlight - well spiced and full of flavour.

The low lights of the night were the fried pork dumplings and the San Choy Bow.  I must admit, on ordering the fried pork dumplings, I was mistakenly expecting more of Shanghai style pan fried dumpling. Instead we were served dumplings which were completely fried and which were oily on the outside and dried out on the inside (although, the dipping sauce was delicious!).  The San Choy Bow almost had the opposite problem - the little morsel was watery and lacked in any punchy flavours.

Unfortunately the fried ice-cream was also disappointing and lacked the warm and crispy coating that usually makes this desert an absolute gem.

Whilst there isn't a plethora of options available at 12am in the CBD and the food at Supper Inn wasn't terrible, next time I'd much rather head to the likes of Stalactites or the Melbourne Supper Club for a late night bite.

Food: 2.5/5
Service: 3/5
Venue: 3/5
Total: 8.5/15
Verdict: Don't bother